Hey, Fat @#$%...What Happened to Your Thing?

I been busy, OK.  Busy getting my drink on again.

Quick Jonadan 2015 Summary:

Beers drank: Zero
Pounds lost: 8
Backfat squeezes: 5
Dylan McKay references: 4 (I think)
Bon Jovi tunes-a-listened to: Zero

Whoa - I'm 2X halfway there!

Hey, Fat @#$%, 4 More Days

The end...is so near.

It's almost like smack-induced Dylan barfly time.

I probably won't head out to a place frequented by ladies of ill repute and bad neon signs, though.  Probably just get woozy with the Kitt-meister. 

The end of Jonadan is like Christmas for adults, or just me.   Visions of frosty brews dance in my head.

I salivate over badly drawn beers.

Stay Beer-focused

J McBarfly

Hey, Fat @#$%, Day 25

And then there was one.

Somebody went to a party where other chicks have some chick come over so all the friends of the chick who had the party can buy stuff from the chick who came over.  Generally, there is some wine and beer consumed at these parties.  Down went Kitty.


"Wait, what? Me?"

So now...there's just me.

25 Days sans nectar of fermentation.  Roll on January 32nd 31st.

J McLonely

5 Beers You Should Never Drink

Here is the Official Kinky Pickles list of 5 beers that you should never, ever drink.  My father has always said that, "All beer is good beer...some is just better than others."

Obviously, the best beer is FREE beer.  If someone hands you one of the 5 beers on the list below and doesn't make you pay for it, you may look down your nose at it, but you should drink no more than 3...6 if there is no other option.  So in a definite, particular order...they are:

1. PBR



The Hipster Headache Scam

Hipsters must love headaches. Just because millennials with big facial growth and bad glasses said it's hip doesn't make it so.  Sure, it's from a bygone era, but so was Coors and PBR contains no Artesian water from Armenian wells.

What it does contain is a @#$% class 5 hangover.  I'm not sure if it's caused by the additives or the low price.  Once, I drank a few $3 Tall Boys at a 'Club' in Champaign, IL.  Nothing costs $3 in this type of club, not even tap water.  The tops of the cans smelled like mildew and they were serving them from a Tiki bar that was made from salvaged plywood.

I can't recall if I drank 2, 3 or 5.  I drank enough (which is n=1) to generate a mind-blowing headache and the next morning was searching for the railroad spike that was knocked into my temple.

This shit is just horrible.  Avoid unless you have the DTs.


2. Michelob Ultra


Water + 95 calories

If you own a kiddie pool and are running low on water, add Mich Ultra.  There is no risk of your kids accidentally or purposely getting drunk.  It's exactly the same as water, except it makes you pee more because it's a diuretic.

All beer is good beer, but this is not beer.  It's like yellow Gatorade G2 without the cool commercials.  If you are at a party and they run out of real beer and hand you an Ultra, download the Uber App, get a ride home and go drink Listerine Original Recipe instead.


3. Miller Lite


Heavy Water

Miller Lite is the fat girl's Michelob Ultra.  It has all the distilled water taste of Ultra and...

1 additional Calorie!!!

Since most people who drink this need to drink 12 to obtain any type of a buzz, over the course of the night that's an additional 12 calories, or 6 Tic Tacs.

Miller Lite is "Less filling," but it has the same diuretic properties as Mich Ultra and you are quickly not less-full again.  It was made popular in the 1970s by John Madden before he started coding his sweet video game series.

Avoid it at all costs unless the Uber App won't download and you can't find any NyQuil.


4. Bud Light


Beachwood-aged Headache

Bud Light is just PBR with better commercials and less hipsters.

I think Budweiser fills empty bottles of Bud Heavy with water and puts the cap back on it.  It has a modicum of flavor that may be old, spoiled beer and the hangover qualities of PBR.

Bud Light also has the odd side effect of making you go outside and smoke light cigarettes and lament over how great high school was.

Avoid Bud Light at all costs, unless you are in a trendy craft beer joint and you want to make a hipster say "Ew!"



5. Any Beer From ALDI



????

If you are ever at a party and someone hands you a beer that looks familiar, but has a name you don't recognize, it may be ALDI "beer."  It will look like a Heineken, Corona or a Bitburger....maybe.  If the host of the party asked you all to bring your own munchies and they didn't provide any salsa, this may be your clue.  If they have all the mixers for mixed drinks and they all say "Big K" on the front, you may have an ALDI "beer."

I got drunk on ALDI beer once.  It was a really low Dylan McKay moment for me, but also an experiment to see if the shit taste would endure through the 12th bottle.  It did and I think I passed out drunk and woke up two days later.

Avoid ALDI "beer" even in major cases of delirium tremens.  There is no way to get drunk on on this stuff and not feel like you got Ned Beatty'ed the next day.

Stay Thirsty



"I don't understand the words you are saying to me..."

Day 18 - My Dylan McKay Weekend

18 Days without booze or heroin.  I have never done heroin, but I've done much amounts of booze.

This weekend was my Dylan  McKay moment.  I almost found myself like this:

"As soon as I find my contact lens, I am doing more heroin."

Kitty and I were caught asking each other more than once, "You know what sounds really good right about now?"

"A big bottle of wine?"

"Yep."

It's amazing what a Diet Coke and some disco dancing will do for your cravings, though.  We both made it through.  We did not succumb to a Dylan moment.  We continued our alcohol-free journey to the promised land of January 32nd 31st.

13 Days until Booze-a-palooza 2015...or just a few beers and Pringles.

Stay smack-free
J McMcKay

Hey, Fat @#$%, Day 13

Day 13.  No DTs.  Think I'm pretty much done feeling like the white version of this guy:

 

"Is this how I hold it?"

So to recap - no booze, eating out or crap food since January 2nd.  My evenings are going by at a snail's pace.  Kitty and I actually have been talking, not just asking each other to get the other one another beer.

I've had time to catch up with Bon Jovi, draw pickles, and watch random YouTube videos with my kids.

 

I made it to 1:06 and then threw my kids outside in the cold for making me watch The Worst Rap Song Ever Made.  Danny seems a little down in the dumps.  I have no idea of his fate.  The comments section leads me to believe he went to a different school or something.

 

I am planning to revise my first day back on the sauce from January 32nd to January 31st.  This is because:

1. January 31st is actually 30 days, kind of, since I won't start drinking until like 6:30pm
2. January 32nd is not even on my calendar
3. February 1st is, but it's a Sunday.  30 Days off beer then one hard day on should leave me looking like so, the next day:

 

"I think I can smell myself"

I don't know what a hungover pickle with beer and puke breath feels like, but I am sure my cube-neighbors don't want it anywhere in the range olfactory receptors.

Stay Not Hungover
J McGoodbye-to-the-peoples

 

The Anti-Jonadan Slogan

Beer and Pringles

I was gonna go to work today but I emailed this to my boss instead.

 

"Hey - work doesn't make me happy.  This sign says I don't have to do it if it doesn't make me happy."

 

Additionally, it snowed overnight here.  I asked Kitty, "Does shoveling the driveway make you happy?"

 

"@#$% no," she replied.

 

"Then this dumb sign says you should let it develop into a rutted ice patch."

 

But falling on ice doesn't make me happy.  Maybe we should just shovel, pretend we are happy because falling and getting surgery on my broken wrist really doesn't make me happy.

 

I nominate this sign for Dumbest Sign Ever With Fewest Words

 

Be happy, or don't be happy

J McSunshine

Drunky Pickle

On January 32nd, when this is all over...

"GaRRRRRgle...gaRRRRRRRglllle...SLURPppppRPpp"

Happy Week-versary to Me

Slobber...slobber...slobber

I would hereby like to take this opportunity to congratulate myself for not drinking beer for 7 days.  This would not have been possible without me, and I would like to extend my appreciation to me.

Here are 5 positive things from not drinking for a week:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Looking at that picture above...I feel like Dylan McKay from 90210...when he had a hard time quiting heroin.

"If I had some smack...right noooow..."

Happy Friday

J McCrackbaby

Hey, Fat @#$%, Pizza Day

Stop.  Just stop.

Everyone around me has decided to eat pizza.

Kitty got a Little Caeser's Hot and Nasty last night.  She knows full well that I normally grab two slices as I come in from work and take my shoes off.  You could put a cardboard pizza in the cardboard box and I would probably still take a piece or two.  Maybe it's because the Hot and Nasty is sort of like edible cardboard, but it still contains yummy goodness not found in tilapia and salad greens.

Today, everyone at work also decided to order individual pizzas for lunch.

"I thought you guys were trying to get healthy this year?"

"We gave up.  Want some?"

You know it, guRRRl.  I want the whole pizza.  My back fat is trying to re-route the neural firing signals to my fingers to get them to steal a slice.  I wish they would have ordered the Pizza Hut pretzel crust filled with Cheez Whiz that makes me dry heave and leave the room when I see the commercial.

My back fat did not win, I forgot my lunch and filled up on Coke Zero and peanuts.

JMcHungry: 1
Back Fat: 1 (from the other day, remember?)

Quick epidermal update:  The Yeti/bike trainer has still not surfaced from storage, but my partially cocoa-buttered gams did get out and do some sporting last night.

Stay Hungry
JMcDeepDish

Hey, Fat @#$%, Day 5

I feel like one of the Weight Watchers ladies at work.  When they are not busy not eating, they are talking about not eating, like I am doing.  Their leader, Kathy, retired a few years ago, which is a shame, because she was the most vocal (in an “I can’t believe you are still talking” way).  Once, Kathy had explained to the group how she was done with Fiber One bars…”Because they make me gassy, girlfriend.” I always felt good when I would see her go to the ladies room because I knew she would get some relief. 

Kathy answered every sentence with “You know it, girl!”  But she over-annunciated her Rs because I think her tongue was too big for her face. 

“Cheesecake is only 2 points, right, Kathy?” 

“You know it, guRRRL.” 

I miss the WW chicks.  They moved to the other side of the building and I don’t get to hear their banter anymore.  They talk about how shitty their commutes are, points they blew for breakfast, DWTS, saving points for binge drinking, Karaoke nights, and popcorn.  

I haven’t drank alcohol since January 1^st.  My delirium tremens have finally subsided.  I made sure to clear out all the beer in the house before Jonadan ’15 commenced.  We have some Michelob Ultra left from Christmas, but I’ll reserve that in case any Mormon Missionary kids come to my front door.

“What’s this?” 

“It’s like caffeine-free iced tea.  Try it.” 

I still haven’t gotten on my bike trainer yet.  I have been preparing by putting ample amounts of lotion on my legs, each morning, so I don’t quit 10 minutes in because the sweat on my dry skin “makes me all itchy.”

 

Stay flaky

JMcVaseline Intensive Care Cocoa Butter Formula

Hey, Fat @#$%, Day 4

I never did get on my bike trainer, last night.   There is something about sliding on mandex cycling bibs when it's 8 degrees that's just no bueno.

I think maybe tomorrow I'll wear my bibs under my Dad khakis so I am ready to go when I get home.

Thought I was making progress today as my belt felt loose...only to be on the wrong notch.

Back Fat: 1

Jonadan: 0

Yesterday was busy with Dad stuff and I finally got to relaxing in my fat pants at about 9 pm.  Kitty was sadistically watching this on TV:

Gourmet red velvet ice cream show or something.

WTFKitty.   That's just bullshit.  She has the willpower of a monk.

"Doesn't this make you hungry?"

"No...I just like cooking shows."

So instead of Bananas Foster Ice Cream, I filled up on some Skinny Pop, which fills your belly like anything with the word "Skinny" in it can do.

Stay Hawngry

JMcSkinnypop

Hey, Fat @#$%, Day 3

What happened to day 2?

See, daily chronicles are a bad idea for those who are forgetful.

On another note, you should never post workout videos from your basement if you still have to fold your laundry.

Back to Day 3 of the BONE-K challenge.  I have changed the name back to its original name.  Not NBEOK (No Booze Eat OK), but to the the original Jonadan.  It's named after a celebration of me, but kind of like a depravation of me, which is most likely a good thing.  It's like Ramadan for people who drink too much beer and eat too many potato chips.

I actually didn't write about Day 2 because Kitty and I seriously considered just leaving the kids and  going out for beer and pizza.  Then we looked at how tight our clothes were fitting and ate a salad instead.  We may have split a Diet Pepsi, I can't recall.

Day 3 began as usual with a cup of coffee.  I really hope the surgeon general doesn't ever come out and take all the fun out of coffee like he did with cigarettes.  Sometimes, if you imagine your coffee is a big plate of bacon and eggs, it will still taste like coffee and not complteely fill you.

I have no idea what I ate on Day 3.  It was probably some apples, twigs, leaves and berries.  I am in a perpetual state of hunger.  I have made no progress and am wearing my dad khakis to work today.  I can feel my back fat holding on for its life as I starve it out of existence.

Stay tuned for Day 4 as I will put on my mandex cycling shorts and get on my bike and trainer.  This may be when I am at my most desireable with my white, dry-skinned legs and my mannel toe.

Stay hungry...literally
J McJonadan

Hey, Fat @#$%, Where Have You Been?

Eating and drinking beer, that's where.

We have this annual biometric screening at work that is mandatorally voluntary.  It's like a regular test:  100 is like Jillian Michaels (without the male genitalia) and 0 is equivalent to an un-reanimated corpse from the Walking Dead.  If you score above a 70 (a C minus), you get like $50 or something.

Historically, I have been regressing and regressing on this pop quiz that we know occurs every October.  Additionally, none of my old cute clothes fit me so well.  I've had to buy some Dad-pants that do that weird creasing thing in the crotch. 

I've also generated some back fat that pushes my jeans below my buttcrack when I do work around the house.  I don't mind showing Kitty the continental divide, but I am not a fan of cold air near my undercarriage.

So...

Kitty convinced me to do a 30 day 'No Booze Eat OK' Challenge.  NBEOK would be the acronym, but who can remember that.  It has been renamed the BONE-K challenge, because I am in charge.

January 2nd was the first day.  I do believe it was the first day I've had without booze in 2015.  Pretty proud of myself.


DAY 1

My day consisted of food that didn't taste good or fill me up, 3 Diet Cokes, and a late night snack of steamed brocolli with Frank's  Red Hot.  You can make anything better with Frank's, and they know it.

I am still hungry.  I now fill myself up on big breaths of air.  I look in the liquor cabinet and imagine myself swimming in a bottle of Woodford Reserve.

Happy Saturday