The #Momtag Epidemic

I hate hashtags.  Hold on, I like hashtags.  #torn

Corporate peeps use the hashtag as a promotional tool:  GoBlue, Oscars, Money.  Young kids use it for comedy: sochifail, epicfail, everythingfail.  Activists use it to scare the shit out of older people: anarchy, taketheirwealth, revolutionfrommomsbasement.

[Editor's note:  use of real hashtags on the above would probably get my house blown up or have my soc number all over the internets.]

There's a new trend, a concerning one...really concerning.  The momtag.  Not sure who made the momtag popular, probably mom-blogs or mom-twitters.

They're ruining it for everybody though, because they don't fall into promotional, comedy or batshit-fucking-loony categories.  Moms use of hashtags is similar to mom having to play automatic quarterback when you are playing football with your friends.

"Man, guys...this game would be so much better if we had someone to play quarterback."

"I'll be your QB! #peytonmomming"

Having your mom play football with you is like seeing a Viagra commercial at grandma's house...and grandma's ears perk up.  It's like having a nice, greasy hamburger and washing it down with a Capri-Sun.  It's like having the wife want some funky-funky time and then this pops its head on the bed:

"CAn I plAY!? #buttsniff"

The momtag is the social media equivalent of when you are at your favorite restaurant and someone at the table next to you shits their pants.  It's the sucker punch of the Facebook and Twittersphere.  Hey, look, cougar mom just updated her facebook status!

Hanging out in the basement all day! #thislaundryaintgonnadoitself

Heading to the gym! #summerwillbeherebeforeweknowit

Just cooked dinner! #realmomsuselard

The momtag is single-handedly messing up social media.  OK...the selfie is actually doing that, but the momtag is a close second, or third...behind the internet comments sections.

Some moms have advanced to multiple momtags:

Can't wait 'til girl's night out FRIDAY! #gno #horny #fathusband #infidelity

Some moms incorporate far too much emotion into their momtag:

I just can't take it anymore. #upset #bonbons #emotionalwreck #cramps #periodpanties

And some moms are just completely in left field and have no idea what the fuck they're doing:

PARTY NIGHT AT SUSIE'S! #I am having a margarita #chevycruze #momsinparis #whereswaldo

Only a select few moms can really hashtag, just like only a few moms can throw a spiral.  If your momtag is the equivalent of a drunk French guy throwing a football...perhaps you should just end your status or tweet with punctuation.

Up next..the dadtag...

UPDATE - 208 Pages of Bon Jovi

Bon Jovi's WORK must really be a good read.  JBJ himself has even purchased a copy. 

"That guys got a great ass.  Hey...That's me!"

 

He's concentrating pretty hard for a picture book.

I didn't buy a copy, but I looked on the Google and I guess he's doing outdoor Pilates in Australia in it. 

"Livin' on the barbie, mate!"

That's pretty impressive.

If you like reading about Jon reading about pictures of himself, or if you are a fan of Australian Pilates, I would totally buy it. If you have babies and they like JBJ, you can show the world how much your little dirt-ass rocks:

 

Whoa...They're halfway there, man.  Sweet photos from Slippery When in Print.

Roll Up The Loser

2014 is just not turning out like 2013. This time, last year, I was riding a 5-in-a-row winner of Free Coffee or Latte from Tim Hortons.  Roll up the rim…winner!  Roll it up again…winner!

 

“I’d like a large double double, please.”

 

“$1.65.  Please pull forward.” [This was before the last 3 $0.05 T Hos price increases they do every couple months.]

 

“Not so fast…I gotta winner.  Free Coffee or Lah-tayyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

 

“You gotta say that first.”

 

“I know.  But it’s more fun this way.”

 

This year, I am on a solid streak of these:

Loser

          












At least I get the second chance of winning the Toyota Corolla, which would change my life and make me a huge hit with the ladies:

Double Double Loser

I should have given up winning free stuff for lent.  I could win and then give a piece of my dirty coffee cup to some random person.  “Here, I love you.  Have a coffee.”

The "I Never Sleep!!!" Motivational Poster

Here's another case of someone not using their "Waaaaiiit a minute" filter in their brain:

Something is missing...

I don't want to put words into anyone's mouth, especially someone that wears compression socks, but I believe what they meant to say was:

Working out is easier than not eating Twinkies

One can replace Twinkies with Pringles, Bacon, BDubs, Nacho Bel Grande or Timbits and draw the same conclusion.

As written, I envision some poor, tired crossfitter suffering between workouts.

I can haz crossfit?

Perhaps STRENGTH-author doesn't sleep.  If they do, I'm sure they don't sleep with a plate. Not even the slothiest of sloths have plates in their beds. 

So let's assume we can eliminate sleepy-time from the phrase.  Assuming 8 hours for sleep, 1 hour for the workout, 30 minutes for drive-time, parhaps I have a job...so 9 hours for my job, and 30 minutes for bathroom breaks...I really only have to use plate control for 5 hours.  Paleo-lovers eat for about 4 hours per day, so I only need to have controla de la plata for una hora.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy.  BOOM!  FIFY

Random Monday Musings

The actually RANDOM edition-

I had regular, crappy, water beer on Saturday.  I had a Silver Bullet.  Actually, I think I had about 5, maybe more.

Friday night, I'd had the luxury of being gifted a KBS.  I followed this up with a few Mayan Mocha Stouts from Odd Side Ales.  I followed those up with a couple single malts, and proceeded to demonstrate how to make good lather from shaving soap for my guests.  One of them was pregnant...and sober.

Sometimes when I drink I do dumb things.

Lots of stouty, heavy beers leads to a restless night of sleep for Kitty.  Regular consumption of milkshake stouts would render me single.  If you harnessed all the flatulence from my bowels, however, I may be able to get an energy credit from my local natural gas provider.

So I had a Coors light, or 5, because I don't want to live in the backseat of my car.

I would rather wrestle with a rabid pitbull than cut my dog's nails.  I don't recall ever taking a meat cleaver to her paws, so I'm not sure why she freaks-the-@#$%-out when you touch her feet.


Touch my feet and I'lk kill you












Kitty started drinking this Mike's Harder Lemonade Blood Orange shit.  It's got fangs on the can and is 8% ABV.  It induces her non-uniform blinking pattern after she's had 3 of them.  But, she "loves the taste of this stuff!"  So she had the local store order her 5 cases of it so I can practice making the kids breakfast on a Saturday morning.

"Is mom still sleeping?"

The biggest surprise from the Oscars was that P!nk was NOT suspended from the rafters...spinning around like she was trapped in a tornado.

Why do so many actresses put their evening gowns on backwards?

Lastly, a social media friend posted some cheerleading competition results.  I guess the winning club got 781 points and second place 750 points. 

If you can play your team's score in the State Lottery, it's not a sport.

We were so close, we only lost by 31!

Why would you score a sport in Mexican Pesos?

L8rz,
J McBoozy