I Probably Picked the Wrong Blog Name

The fun thing about the interwebz is that there are tools to find out how everyone gets to my dumb-ass blog.  Some come from Facebook, some the Twittersphere, some have it bookmarked as their homepage and come first thing, everyday (Thanks, Kitty).

Others search for it on the google-machine.

Even others arrive here by mistake:



He did pretty well for typing one-handed

I went back over all my posts and I'm pretty sure I killed this guy's boner when he landed here.

"How...to...be...k-i-n-k-y with pickles.  ENTER...Kinky Pickles blog, interesting."

"Random Monday Musings?  What the hell?"

So some poor guy may have ended his "alone time" to a picture of socks from a gas station.  It probably all depends on how FIRED UP he was...when he landed here.




The Overly Wordy Motivational Poster

I'm not really sure what’s worse:  motivational posters or the people that share/like/link/tweet/retweet them.  I’m not sure if they really even read these through.  I’m certain they don’t challenge them.  There’s no, “Waaaaiiiit a minute…” light that goes on in their heads.

If it’s over 6 words, I stop reading and go get a salty, fried snack.  You really don’t have to motivate me much to grab a sleeve of Pringles.  This one kind of hurt my feelings though, mainly because I like food and don’t want to feel like a junkie:

First, food is not a drug and it’s not used to treat anxiety.  If it was, we’d see lots of fat, poor people because they don’t have enough money to pay the bills.  We’d see them at places that have cheap food, like Wal Martz or Burger Kingz.  We’d see them wearing shirts with Tweety Bird on them and driving cars with Monster Energy Drink stickers.  Food can’t be a drug.

I didn’t just want to take my own word for it, so I contacted my dietician friend.  That means she is an expert on diets.  For the sake of anonymity, I’ll refer to her as Nurse Betty. 

Is food really a drug? Betty said the following:

Nurse Betty’s blue iMessage reply pretty much confirms that:

1.     Food is a drug

2.     Pringles Sour Cream and Onion may be at the top of that list

3.     Betty has an iPhone and my 4G signal sucks at my house

Perhaps it’s not the MOST abused anxiety drug, though, as the motivational poster proclaimed.  I gotta think that crack cocaine or heroin would ease anxiety better than a sleeve of chips.  Somewhere, there’s a homeless guy out there in -5°F weather sleeping in a box, probably quite anxious about his toes turning black.  I can’t imagine he’s thinking, “Holy @#$%, I need some Pringles to calm me down!”

So I’ll conclude that heroin and crack are better suited to treat anxiety.  Part 1…done.  On to part 2, the overly syllabic I-can’t-even-say-it-right part.

Underutilized antidepressant.  Un-derrr-you-TIL-eye-zuhd ANT-eeee-duh-press-uhnt.  This was difficult to say sober, so before I wrote this, and after I texted Nurse Betty, I drank 6 Lime-a-Ritas and said it repeatedly.  That “er-U-til” part is really tricky when you’re wasted.  For a visual effect of how I felt, lie down on your back, have someone spread 6 emtpy cans around you, close one eye, stare at the ceiling with the other, grab your bottom lip and then say “UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD.”

UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD… UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD… UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD… UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD

“Dad, what are you doing?”

“Resthearch.”

“Oh.  Can I get this app?  It only costs $4.99.”

L8rz

J McPringles

208 Pages of Bon Jovi

 

After months and months and months of rocking out C-G-D-G across the globe, JBJ has decided to release a 208 page picture book for his cougar nation of fans.

Jon's ass graces the cover, partially blocked by a microphone battery, a portable defibrulator or an external pacemaker.  He insisted on having his butt make up more than 25% of the cover, and actually requested the name of the picture book be JON'S BUTT.

Publicists convinced the aging rocker to just keep the title WORK due to formatting constraints.

"Exclusive, intimate, and powerful images of Jon, Richie, David, and Taco" grace the pages of this nearly 5 pound book.  That's not England cash, folks.  That's pure weight in kilos.  5 pounds of pictures of JBJ's butt, Richie's hat, David's David stuff and Taco's enchiladas.

Let's see if it's as good as When We Were Hotties:

 

L8rz
J McWorkbutt

We had this other website once

If you thought KP was dumb as F, you should see our old site...

Webkinzmomz

Back in 2007, a good friend and I got pretty drunk and started playing with Webkinz.  Hold on, that never happened.  We did get drunk, but we had all of these ideas about how we were going to retire by creating websites and selling t-shirts.

BTW...If you need a green or white T-shirt...let me know.  We have all sizes still available, but they're selling like old hotcakes.

A friend was earning (or lying about earning) $6,000 per month from a site about Gymboree.  Yeah, that's what we said.  Gymboree, 6k...no sh!t.  So we designed this site, yours truly had Kitty and Mrs. Lego stand next to one another and push their chest out, drew them and linked it all up electronically.

I had completely forgotten about this site until sitebuilder-Lego-aficionado friend and I got to talking/drinking/rubbing our fingers through each others' hair.

If you're still into Webkinz, like we never were...go check it out.

EDIT: We never made any dollarz from it so we turned it over to the people who actually collected webkinz.  I think they still hang out there. 

Stay tuned for...Skylanderdadz

L8rz
JMcWebkin

Where is Bon Jovi This Week?

I forgot about this post from Oktober:

After wrapping up their Mexican leg, JBJ is on to the wet state of Washington.  This weekend, they're whoa-ing their way to Tacoma to destroy more bridges with 4 power chords.