Drunky Pickle

On January 32nd, when this is all over...

"GaRRRRRgle...gaRRRRRRRglllle...SLURPppppRPpp"

Happy Week-versary to Me

Slobber...slobber...slobber

I would hereby like to take this opportunity to congratulate myself for not drinking beer for 7 days.  This would not have been possible without me, and I would like to extend my appreciation to me.

Here are 5 positive things from not drinking for a week:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Looking at that picture above...I feel like Dylan McKay from 90210...when he had a hard time quiting heroin.

"If I had some smack...right noooow..."

Happy Friday

J McCrackbaby

Hey, Fat @#$%, Pizza Day

Stop.  Just stop.

Everyone around me has decided to eat pizza.

Kitty got a Little Caeser's Hot and Nasty last night.  She knows full well that I normally grab two slices as I come in from work and take my shoes off.  You could put a cardboard pizza in the cardboard box and I would probably still take a piece or two.  Maybe it's because the Hot and Nasty is sort of like edible cardboard, but it still contains yummy goodness not found in tilapia and salad greens.

Today, everyone at work also decided to order individual pizzas for lunch.

"I thought you guys were trying to get healthy this year?"

"We gave up.  Want some?"

You know it, guRRRl.  I want the whole pizza.  My back fat is trying to re-route the neural firing signals to my fingers to get them to steal a slice.  I wish they would have ordered the Pizza Hut pretzel crust filled with Cheez Whiz that makes me dry heave and leave the room when I see the commercial.

My back fat did not win, I forgot my lunch and filled up on Coke Zero and peanuts.

JMcHungry: 1
Back Fat: 1 (from the other day, remember?)

Quick epidermal update:  The Yeti/bike trainer has still not surfaced from storage, but my partially cocoa-buttered gams did get out and do some sporting last night.

Stay Hungry
JMcDeepDish

Hey, Fat @#$%, Day 5

I feel like one of the Weight Watchers ladies at work.  When they are not busy not eating, they are talking about not eating, like I am doing.  Their leader, Kathy, retired a few years ago, which is a shame, because she was the most vocal (in an “I can’t believe you are still talking” way).  Once, Kathy had explained to the group how she was done with Fiber One bars…”Because they make me gassy, girlfriend.” I always felt good when I would see her go to the ladies room because I knew she would get some relief. 

Kathy answered every sentence with “You know it, girl!”  But she over-annunciated her Rs because I think her tongue was too big for her face. 

“Cheesecake is only 2 points, right, Kathy?” 

“You know it, guRRRL.” 

I miss the WW chicks.  They moved to the other side of the building and I don’t get to hear their banter anymore.  They talk about how shitty their commutes are, points they blew for breakfast, DWTS, saving points for binge drinking, Karaoke nights, and popcorn.  

I haven’t drank alcohol since January 1^st.  My delirium tremens have finally subsided.  I made sure to clear out all the beer in the house before Jonadan ’15 commenced.  We have some Michelob Ultra left from Christmas, but I’ll reserve that in case any Mormon Missionary kids come to my front door.

“What’s this?” 

“It’s like caffeine-free iced tea.  Try it.” 

I still haven’t gotten on my bike trainer yet.  I have been preparing by putting ample amounts of lotion on my legs, each morning, so I don’t quit 10 minutes in because the sweat on my dry skin “makes me all itchy.”

 

Stay flaky

JMcVaseline Intensive Care Cocoa Butter Formula

Hey, Fat @#$%, Day 4

I never did get on my bike trainer, last night.   There is something about sliding on mandex cycling bibs when it's 8 degrees that's just no bueno.

I think maybe tomorrow I'll wear my bibs under my Dad khakis so I am ready to go when I get home.

Thought I was making progress today as my belt felt loose...only to be on the wrong notch.

Back Fat: 1

Jonadan: 0

Yesterday was busy with Dad stuff and I finally got to relaxing in my fat pants at about 9 pm.  Kitty was sadistically watching this on TV:

Gourmet red velvet ice cream show or something.

WTFKitty.   That's just bullshit.  She has the willpower of a monk.

"Doesn't this make you hungry?"

"No...I just like cooking shows."

So instead of Bananas Foster Ice Cream, I filled up on some Skinny Pop, which fills your belly like anything with the word "Skinny" in it can do.

Stay Hawngry

JMcSkinnypop

Hey, Fat @#$%, Day 3

What happened to day 2?

See, daily chronicles are a bad idea for those who are forgetful.

On another note, you should never post workout videos from your basement if you still have to fold your laundry.

Back to Day 3 of the BONE-K challenge.  I have changed the name back to its original name.  Not NBEOK (No Booze Eat OK), but to the the original Jonadan.  It's named after a celebration of me, but kind of like a depravation of me, which is most likely a good thing.  It's like Ramadan for people who drink too much beer and eat too many potato chips.

I actually didn't write about Day 2 because Kitty and I seriously considered just leaving the kids and  going out for beer and pizza.  Then we looked at how tight our clothes were fitting and ate a salad instead.  We may have split a Diet Pepsi, I can't recall.

Day 3 began as usual with a cup of coffee.  I really hope the surgeon general doesn't ever come out and take all the fun out of coffee like he did with cigarettes.  Sometimes, if you imagine your coffee is a big plate of bacon and eggs, it will still taste like coffee and not complteely fill you.

I have no idea what I ate on Day 3.  It was probably some apples, twigs, leaves and berries.  I am in a perpetual state of hunger.  I have made no progress and am wearing my dad khakis to work today.  I can feel my back fat holding on for its life as I starve it out of existence.

Stay tuned for Day 4 as I will put on my mandex cycling shorts and get on my bike and trainer.  This may be when I am at my most desireable with my white, dry-skinned legs and my mannel toe.

Stay hungry...literally
J McJonadan