The Anti-Jonadan Slogan

Beer and Pringles

I was gonna go to work today but I emailed this to my boss instead.

 

"Hey - work doesn't make me happy.  This sign says I don't have to do it if it doesn't make me happy."

 

Additionally, it snowed overnight here.  I asked Kitty, "Does shoveling the driveway make you happy?"

 

"@#$% no," she replied.

 

"Then this dumb sign says you should let it develop into a rutted ice patch."

 

But falling on ice doesn't make me happy.  Maybe we should just shovel, pretend we are happy because falling and getting surgery on my broken wrist really doesn't make me happy.

 

I nominate this sign for Dumbest Sign Ever With Fewest Words

 

Be happy, or don't be happy

J McSunshine

The Underly Wordy Motivational Poster

Who wrote this?   This guy...

If Captain Caveman could put on compression socks, I don't think he would, even because he can.

If Yoda was feeling a little chunky, went to his local crossfit box, and then visited a grammar workshop, he might pen this.

I don't think anyone ever said they couldn't.  Why is this crossfit person so disagreeable.

Hey man, you CAN all day long.  You CAN EVEN in those funny socks.  You CAN EVEN WANT, if you want.

Finally - A Good Motivational Poster

I haven't read the words yet.  I'm probably not going to.

Hey Gurlllll

Probably says something about side-boob or something.

Thanks to my friend Furballerz for this. 

The Wordiest Motivational Poster Eh-vurr

LOLwhut?

Grammar: 5

This guy: 0

 

I stopped reading at 'pizza.'

This poster brought to you by 'Psycho ex-girlfriend!'

Where did you stop reading?  Leave a note in the comments section. 

The "I Never Sleep!!!" Motivational Poster

Here's another case of someone not using their "Waaaaiiit a minute" filter in their brain:

Something is missing...

I don't want to put words into anyone's mouth, especially someone that wears compression socks, but I believe what they meant to say was:

Working out is easier than not eating Twinkies

One can replace Twinkies with Pringles, Bacon, BDubs, Nacho Bel Grande or Timbits and draw the same conclusion.

As written, I envision some poor, tired crossfitter suffering between workouts.

I can haz crossfit?

Perhaps STRENGTH-author doesn't sleep.  If they do, I'm sure they don't sleep with a plate. Not even the slothiest of sloths have plates in their beds. 

So let's assume we can eliminate sleepy-time from the phrase.  Assuming 8 hours for sleep, 1 hour for the workout, 30 minutes for drive-time, parhaps I have a job...so 9 hours for my job, and 30 minutes for bathroom breaks...I really only have to use plate control for 5 hours.  Paleo-lovers eat for about 4 hours per day, so I only need to have controla de la plata for una hora.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy.  BOOM!  FIFY

The Overly Wordy Motivational Poster

I'm not really sure what’s worse:  motivational posters or the people that share/like/link/tweet/retweet them.  I’m not sure if they really even read these through.  I’m certain they don’t challenge them.  There’s no, “Waaaaiiiit a minute…” light that goes on in their heads.

If it’s over 6 words, I stop reading and go get a salty, fried snack.  You really don’t have to motivate me much to grab a sleeve of Pringles.  This one kind of hurt my feelings though, mainly because I like food and don’t want to feel like a junkie:

First, food is not a drug and it’s not used to treat anxiety.  If it was, we’d see lots of fat, poor people because they don’t have enough money to pay the bills.  We’d see them at places that have cheap food, like Wal Martz or Burger Kingz.  We’d see them wearing shirts with Tweety Bird on them and driving cars with Monster Energy Drink stickers.  Food can’t be a drug.

I didn’t just want to take my own word for it, so I contacted my dietician friend.  That means she is an expert on diets.  For the sake of anonymity, I’ll refer to her as Nurse Betty. 

Is food really a drug? Betty said the following:

Nurse Betty’s blue iMessage reply pretty much confirms that:

1.     Food is a drug

2.     Pringles Sour Cream and Onion may be at the top of that list

3.     Betty has an iPhone and my 4G signal sucks at my house

Perhaps it’s not the MOST abused anxiety drug, though, as the motivational poster proclaimed.  I gotta think that crack cocaine or heroin would ease anxiety better than a sleeve of chips.  Somewhere, there’s a homeless guy out there in -5°F weather sleeping in a box, probably quite anxious about his toes turning black.  I can’t imagine he’s thinking, “Holy @#$%, I need some Pringles to calm me down!”

So I’ll conclude that heroin and crack are better suited to treat anxiety.  Part 1…done.  On to part 2, the overly syllabic I-can’t-even-say-it-right part.

Underutilized antidepressant.  Un-derrr-you-TIL-eye-zuhd ANT-eeee-duh-press-uhnt.  This was difficult to say sober, so before I wrote this, and after I texted Nurse Betty, I drank 6 Lime-a-Ritas and said it repeatedly.  That “er-U-til” part is really tricky when you’re wasted.  For a visual effect of how I felt, lie down on your back, have someone spread 6 emtpy cans around you, close one eye, stare at the ceiling with the other, grab your bottom lip and then say “UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD.”

UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD… UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD… UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD… UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD

“Dad, what are you doing?”

“Resthearch.”

“Oh.  Can I get this app?  It only costs $4.99.”

L8rz

J McPringles

The Overly Wordy Motivational Poster

Pain is weakness leaving the body, girlfriennnnnnnnd!!!

Or maybe it's your plantar fasciitis, tendinitis, arthritis or shit-I'm-old-itis.  Maybe you dropped a 10 pound weight on your big toe when 20 year-old hottie in Lululemon Wonder Buttcheek pants performed dead lifts right in front of you.   Maybe it really is pain, because you seriously think you shattered your hallux along with a few metatarsal and you can't scream because Luluhotpants will laugh at you.

And there, fellow readers, is right about where I stop reading and get sidetracked, go Google image "yoga butts" and lose 23 minutes of my day.

Point being: sometimes pain is painful.  Like, for instance, the time I was doing dumbbell presses and my elbow thought it was a half-day, clocked out early, and left it to the rest of my arm to drop a dumbbell on my face. 

The question isn't how much more can you take, but how much more can you giiiiive...

I'm still all like, "Holy F, this hurts.  Yoga butt...please help me get this 50 pound weight off my face."

Your mind says push harder

No. My mind says, "Dude, you've got a dumbbell on your face and no one seems to give a shit."

You listen.  Or scream...like a 7 year old boy who's just been told we're too poor to afford PS3, so we got you PS2 instead.

Sensing an inner strength that wasn't there before...Like a calming numbness, because you can't tell if your face is losing all feeling or you're  still recovering from the pain of all pains that is getting popped in the nose with a heavy object. 

And suddenly you discover -- you no longer feel pain...because you're thankful Sara the hot trainer assisted you and pulled the dumbbell off your head. However, sadness rushes over you because Ms. Wonder Under never heard you through her Best of Nikki Minaj playlist, took off, got her post workout latte and is now updating her 1378 Facebook friends about "The old dude at the gym who wouldn't stop staring at my ass then dropped a weight on his face."

See.  Pain is painful.

L8rz,

JMcFlatface

The Overly Wordy Motivational Poster

Perhaps I'm missing something, but it sure seems like errbody is into goofy fitness regimes.  I don't really care that they're not shy about letting us know, either.

"Lifted 4 logs over my head 37 times in my WOD, bro!"

Sweet.  In fact...kick ass...big log-lifter guy.

"Hittin' those tractor tires with the hammer!  Feel the burn, bro!"

Awesome.  If I'm ever attacked by a tractor, I want you, your compression socks and your sledgehammer right by my side. 

I'm also confident that these were the kids that struggled with sentence diagrams in 9th grade English.  Thus, they shouldn't make make any attempts at prose.  Exhibit A:

This guy puts this crap on T-shirts. Frealz. 

I'll take 'Missing Punctuation' for $400, Alex.  Normally, I'd stop reading at 'selfish', but since I'm blogging about it, I had to read it.

I can MAYBE understand his disdain for school, and certainly politics, but traffic lights???  

"Damn you all to hell...you other people traveling perpendicular to me!"

I concur with his assessment of Ed Hardy, but I don't think I'd make a cheesy T-shirt about another cheesy T-shirt.  That's akin to Gary, IN making fun of Detroit.

I don't think I'm ever going to buy a shirt that lacks brevity from a guy who hates traffic lights and doesn't know what brevity means.

Just do it.  Impossible is nothing.  There, see how easy that is, HTFU guy?

L8rz

JMcFitness

Photo credit:  This guy's FB page.