5 Beers You Should Never Drink

Here is the Official Kinky Pickles list of 5 beers that you should never, ever drink.  My father has always said that, "All beer is good beer...some is just better than others."

Obviously, the best beer is FREE beer.  If someone hands you one of the 5 beers on the list below and doesn't make you pay for it, you may look down your nose at it, but you should drink no more than 3...6 if there is no other option.  So in a definite, particular order...they are:

1. PBR



The Hipster Headache Scam

Hipsters must love headaches. Just because millennials with big facial growth and bad glasses said it's hip doesn't make it so.  Sure, it's from a bygone era, but so was Coors and PBR contains no Artesian water from Armenian wells.

What it does contain is a @#$% class 5 hangover.  I'm not sure if it's caused by the additives or the low price.  Once, I drank a few $3 Tall Boys at a 'Club' in Champaign, IL.  Nothing costs $3 in this type of club, not even tap water.  The tops of the cans smelled like mildew and they were serving them from a Tiki bar that was made from salvaged plywood.

I can't recall if I drank 2, 3 or 5.  I drank enough (which is n=1) to generate a mind-blowing headache and the next morning was searching for the railroad spike that was knocked into my temple.

This shit is just horrible.  Avoid unless you have the DTs.


2. Michelob Ultra


Water + 95 calories

If you own a kiddie pool and are running low on water, add Mich Ultra.  There is no risk of your kids accidentally or purposely getting drunk.  It's exactly the same as water, except it makes you pee more because it's a diuretic.

All beer is good beer, but this is not beer.  It's like yellow Gatorade G2 without the cool commercials.  If you are at a party and they run out of real beer and hand you an Ultra, download the Uber App, get a ride home and go drink Listerine Original Recipe instead.


3. Miller Lite


Heavy Water

Miller Lite is the fat girl's Michelob Ultra.  It has all the distilled water taste of Ultra and...

1 additional Calorie!!!

Since most people who drink this need to drink 12 to obtain any type of a buzz, over the course of the night that's an additional 12 calories, or 6 Tic Tacs.

Miller Lite is "Less filling," but it has the same diuretic properties as Mich Ultra and you are quickly not less-full again.  It was made popular in the 1970s by John Madden before he started coding his sweet video game series.

Avoid it at all costs unless the Uber App won't download and you can't find any NyQuil.


4. Bud Light


Beachwood-aged Headache

Bud Light is just PBR with better commercials and less hipsters.

I think Budweiser fills empty bottles of Bud Heavy with water and puts the cap back on it.  It has a modicum of flavor that may be old, spoiled beer and the hangover qualities of PBR.

Bud Light also has the odd side effect of making you go outside and smoke light cigarettes and lament over how great high school was.

Avoid Bud Light at all costs, unless you are in a trendy craft beer joint and you want to make a hipster say "Ew!"



5. Any Beer From ALDI



????

If you are ever at a party and someone hands you a beer that looks familiar, but has a name you don't recognize, it may be ALDI "beer."  It will look like a Heineken, Corona or a Bitburger....maybe.  If the host of the party asked you all to bring your own munchies and they didn't provide any salsa, this may be your clue.  If they have all the mixers for mixed drinks and they all say "Big K" on the front, you may have an ALDI "beer."

I got drunk on ALDI beer once.  It was a really low Dylan McKay moment for me, but also an experiment to see if the shit taste would endure through the 12th bottle.  It did and I think I passed out drunk and woke up two days later.

Avoid ALDI "beer" even in major cases of delirium tremens.  There is no way to get drunk on on this stuff and not feel like you got Ned Beatty'ed the next day.

Stay Thirsty



"I don't understand the words you are saying to me..."

Day 18 - My Dylan McKay Weekend

18 Days without booze or heroin.  I have never done heroin, but I've done much amounts of booze.

This weekend was my Dylan  McKay moment.  I almost found myself like this:

"As soon as I find my contact lens, I am doing more heroin."

Kitty and I were caught asking each other more than once, "You know what sounds really good right about now?"

"A big bottle of wine?"

"Yep."

It's amazing what a Diet Coke and some disco dancing will do for your cravings, though.  We both made it through.  We did not succumb to a Dylan moment.  We continued our alcohol-free journey to the promised land of January 32nd 31st.

13 Days until Booze-a-palooza 2015...or just a few beers and Pringles.

Stay smack-free
J McMcKay