The Overly Wordy Motivational Poster

Pain is weakness leaving the body, girlfriennnnnnnnd!!!

Or maybe it's your plantar fasciitis, tendinitis, arthritis or shit-I'm-old-itis.  Maybe you dropped a 10 pound weight on your big toe when 20 year-old hottie in Lululemon Wonder Buttcheek pants performed dead lifts right in front of you.   Maybe it really is pain, because you seriously think you shattered your hallux along with a few metatarsal and you can't scream because Luluhotpants will laugh at you.

And there, fellow readers, is right about where I stop reading and get sidetracked, go Google image "yoga butts" and lose 23 minutes of my day.

Point being: sometimes pain is painful.  Like, for instance, the time I was doing dumbbell presses and my elbow thought it was a half-day, clocked out early, and left it to the rest of my arm to drop a dumbbell on my face. 

The question isn't how much more can you take, but how much more can you giiiiive...

I'm still all like, "Holy F, this hurts.  Yoga butt...please help me get this 50 pound weight off my face."

Your mind says push harder

No. My mind says, "Dude, you've got a dumbbell on your face and no one seems to give a shit."

You listen.  Or scream...like a 7 year old boy who's just been told we're too poor to afford PS3, so we got you PS2 instead.

Sensing an inner strength that wasn't there before...Like a calming numbness, because you can't tell if your face is losing all feeling or you're  still recovering from the pain of all pains that is getting popped in the nose with a heavy object. 

And suddenly you discover -- you no longer feel pain...because you're thankful Sara the hot trainer assisted you and pulled the dumbbell off your head. However, sadness rushes over you because Ms. Wonder Under never heard you through her Best of Nikki Minaj playlist, took off, got her post workout latte and is now updating her 1378 Facebook friends about "The old dude at the gym who wouldn't stop staring at my ass then dropped a weight on his face."

See.  Pain is painful.

L8rz,

JMcFlatface

Random Monday Musings

– The ‘Kitty Come Home’ Edition

Kitty continued her ‘Cougz Gone Wild’ tour, last weekend, in the northern part of the Mitten. She and 10 other 5th grade moms took their 5th grade boys for a weekend of juice boxes, Corona Lights, and games of ‘I’ve got the conch.’ 

"It’s 9 p.m. Should we feed them?” was rumored to have been uttered.

Places you can't check into: Applebee’s, the Ohio-Pennsylvania border or anywhere Downriver. 

“Holy sh!t! Jon’s at Applebee’s in Southgate…he’s livin’ the dream, man.”

I’m not a huge fan of hashtags, although you can say so much with one short phrase, and prefer to use the annoying Emoji, including the phallic-looking eggplant 🍆. My favorite Emoji guys are the man couple with blue and orange shirts and Lego hair 👬. I’m certain that those crazy kids at Apple created this Emoji thing to be inclusive, and I’m also certain that in 99.9% of cases, it is used for 6th grade jokes among grown men. The dancing ballerinas must be a close second 👯.

While Kitty was hanging with the other soccer moms, 12 year old and I hung out in Beer City, Michigan for his soccer tourney. Things I learned this weekend:

1. Soccer moms love to drink 

2. Free breakfast is free for a reason 

3. If your 12, it’s all about the hotel pool 

Sometimes I scroll through the old pictures on my phone. I found this gem.

I have no idea why I have it, perhaps the world was just too loud that day. 

I think it's time to start tipping the car wash towel-dry guy $2. I’m kinda on that cusp when I tuck my $1 out the window. Does he think I’m cheap? Shouldn’t I really give more? Do ex-cons even care? How much meth can he actually buy with this? 

What’s that disorder called when your tongue keeps flopping out of your face like the old Tom and Jerry cartoon? I think Miley Cyrus has it. If she can just tuck it back into her skull, I would really enjoy watching this train wreck even more. 

Stay tuned to Kinky Pickles for more of the standards and in the very near future…drum roll…clench your buttcheeks…the world premiere of…Kitty’s Korner

L8rz,

JMcCan’tStop

A Little Preview...

KP will have a real logo soon.  When I say soon, I really mean like some time in the coming months.

It will probably be something similar to this (Thanks B Jiggy - Charlotte, NC).  Most likely it will get toned down a touch.   No parent wants to answer questions about red ballgags...ever.

L8rz

JMcFizzle

The Overly Wordy Motivational Poster

Perhaps I'm missing something, but it sure seems like errbody is into goofy fitness regimes.  I don't really care that they're not shy about letting us know, either.

"Lifted 4 logs over my head 37 times in my WOD, bro!"

Sweet.  In fact...kick ass...big log-lifter guy.

"Hittin' those tractor tires with the hammer!  Feel the burn, bro!"

Awesome.  If I'm ever attacked by a tractor, I want you, your compression socks and your sledgehammer right by my side. 

I'm also confident that these were the kids that struggled with sentence diagrams in 9th grade English.  Thus, they shouldn't make make any attempts at prose.  Exhibit A:

This guy puts this crap on T-shirts. Frealz. 

I'll take 'Missing Punctuation' for $400, Alex.  Normally, I'd stop reading at 'selfish', but since I'm blogging about it, I had to read it.

I can MAYBE understand his disdain for school, and certainly politics, but traffic lights???  

"Damn you all to hell...you other people traveling perpendicular to me!"

I concur with his assessment of Ed Hardy, but I don't think I'd make a cheesy T-shirt about another cheesy T-shirt.  That's akin to Gary, IN making fun of Detroit.

I don't think I'm ever going to buy a shirt that lacks brevity from a guy who hates traffic lights and doesn't know what brevity means.

Just do it.  Impossible is nothing.  There, see how easy that is, HTFU guy?

L8rz

JMcFitness

Photo credit:  This guy's FB page.

Where is Bon Jovi This Week

Because they can, they are taking a break until September 10th where they’ll continue their “Porque nosotros podemos” Tour in Mexico City. I imagine they probably needed some time to collect their un-cashed social security checks or have a knee replaced. Something…not sure. 

They recently returned from Europe, where they showcased America’s cheesiest export from Bulgaria to London, England. From there, they finished their ‘Because Cougars Need Fun, Too’ tour in the Midwest and finally, East Rutherford, NJ, where people still ski in their jeans. 

I imagine they took rest at their old friends Bobby or Gina’s house…some tri-level that has a garage right on the street and shared stories about doing more with only 4 chords. “Is that a D chord?”…”You thought so, right…no…it’s Dsus2!” 

“We have a big car grill for our stage” 

“Awesome. Do you still play that ‘Whoa…we’re halfway there’ song?” 

“Yeah. Totally rocks and the soccer moms throw their arms so high…all you can see is armfat oscillating on the main floor!” 

“You rock, JBJ. Wanna Busch Light?” 

“No thanks, man…Do you have any coconut water and a Tylenol Arthritis?” 

So only a few weeks until JBJ and his band of merry has-beens load up their cases, team up with…wait for it…Nickelback…and head to Mexico DF and go be ‘Rock Stars.’ 

Until then…Whoooooooaaaa…were halfway there…whooooooAAAAAAA!!! 

L8rz 

JMcCowboy

Random Monday Musings – The Kinky Pickles Inaugural Edition

Random Monday Musings – The Kinky Pickles Inaugural Edition 

I’ve become kind of famous for these musings. When I say famous, that means with 251 Facebook friends and 15 Twitter followers. 

Those goofy kid names from the 90’s are now entering the work force. Welcome Ethan, Connor and Zachary to the world of gainful employment. Gone are the Johns, Mikes, Erics and Carls. 

I used to work for this guy named Carl. He was kind of a weenie…probably because his name was Carl.

Kitty spent the weekend gallivanting around the greater Cleveland area. I filled the role of ‘Kid Taxi-driver’ for the weekend and nursed my frustrations by killing two growlers of leftover Nicie Spicie. I now have n=4 data points confirming the digestive trauma side effects are legit. I know I need n=22 to develop statistical significance, but my personal plumbing system won’t be able to take it.

I watched Clueless with the 9 and 12 year old on Saturday evening. We spent our Sunday discussing the finer aspects of Alicia Silverstone’s pouty lips. 12 year old was pretty bummed out when I told him that movie was pretty old and she is now 36. “She’s like…a MOM now!”

Managed to survive the weekend without going anywhere near the Woodward Dream Cruise. Made me kinda sad, and nostalgic for years gone by, so I set my lawn chair up in my front yard and watched the cars roll down my street. I saw a 2012 Ford Fusion that looked like it had just been washed. Totally cherry.

Lastly, Kitty brought me back a case of Yuengling Lager from the state that shall not be named. I wonder if I love this stuff only because it’s not made available to us here in the Mitten. It’s kinda like the 2013 version of 1978 Coors that came in little tan cans and was only available in States where my dad didn’t live. “This stuff’s made with real Artisian spring-fed water!” I always assumed it must have tasted like liquid gold. If I only knew that my 41 year-old self would be so disappointed. I imagine my boys reminiscing, years from now, about how they’re dads would go “batshit crazy” over a case of smuggled Yuengling.

Stay tuned to Kinky Pickles, this week, as we find out: ‘Where is Bon Jovi this week?’ … What’s hot at ‘The Gas Station Near Me’ and who needs to seriously see an editor about their ‘Overly Wordy Motivational Poster.’ 

L8rz,

JMcFizzle

The Gas Station Near Me...

I'm not sure if this guy is a marketing guru or if this is his attempt at 'throwing a  bunch of shit against the wall and seeing what sticks.'

Previously, he had been peddling Drakkar Noir and other throwback colognes.  He's onto something, because only one bottle of CK Obsession remains (on the pimpin' granite checkout counter).

Maybe it's because I feel like I'm at a dance club, but the overhead tunes of Avicii just make me want to spend spend spend.  Perhaps someday I'll splurge and purchase one of his diamond encrusted pocket knives.

I'm a little concerned that his new venture into the sock arena may be short-lived:

If I only had a dollar for every time I was pumping gas, and thought..."I need new socks," ... I'd have...no dollars.

L8rz,

JMcAnkleSocks