Random Monday Musings

The actually RANDOM edition-

I had regular, crappy, water beer on Saturday.  I had a Silver Bullet.  Actually, I think I had about 5, maybe more.

Friday night, I'd had the luxury of being gifted a KBS.  I followed this up with a few Mayan Mocha Stouts from Odd Side Ales.  I followed those up with a couple single malts, and proceeded to demonstrate how to make good lather from shaving soap for my guests.  One of them was pregnant...and sober.

Sometimes when I drink I do dumb things.

Lots of stouty, heavy beers leads to a restless night of sleep for Kitty.  Regular consumption of milkshake stouts would render me single.  If you harnessed all the flatulence from my bowels, however, I may be able to get an energy credit from my local natural gas provider.

So I had a Coors light, or 5, because I don't want to live in the backseat of my car.

I would rather wrestle with a rabid pitbull than cut my dog's nails.  I don't recall ever taking a meat cleaver to her paws, so I'm not sure why she freaks-the-@#$%-out when you touch her feet.


Touch my feet and I'lk kill you












Kitty started drinking this Mike's Harder Lemonade Blood Orange shit.  It's got fangs on the can and is 8% ABV.  It induces her non-uniform blinking pattern after she's had 3 of them.  But, she "loves the taste of this stuff!"  So she had the local store order her 5 cases of it so I can practice making the kids breakfast on a Saturday morning.

"Is mom still sleeping?"

The biggest surprise from the Oscars was that P!nk was NOT suspended from the rafters...spinning around like she was trapped in a tornado.

Why do so many actresses put their evening gowns on backwards?

Lastly, a social media friend posted some cheerleading competition results.  I guess the winning club got 781 points and second place 750 points. 

If you can play your team's score in the State Lottery, it's not a sport.

We were so close, we only lost by 31!

Why would you score a sport in Mexican Pesos?

L8rz,
J McBoozy

Random LeMonday LeMusings

I went to Wendy’s for lunch today. Just got some carry-out…some value menu action while I’m on the go. My receipt says LaToye was my ‘Host’ and Zenetra was my ‘Cashier.’ Between LaToye and Zenetra, they completely forgot my 4 piece value spicy nuggies. Totally peeved. Next time I roll through the drive-thru at Wendy’s, I’m gonna have some LeWords with LeToye. 

Everyone has a club. I was in CVS and the cashier asked if I was part of their club. It sounded pretty exclusive. 

“You guys got a club?”

“It’s a rewards club. You accumulate points that you can accumulate. Would you like to sign up?”

“I dunno.  Do I have to put one of those barcode things on my keyring? Because if I do, it could be a deal-breaker."

Kitty is really into these clubs. I can’t even find the house key on her keys. I can get points at Speedway, Papa Joe’s, Meijer, PetCo, and Kroger…but I can’t get into my own house.  I’m going to use this as a talking point during my next fancy soiree I attend. 

“Are you and Kitty members of any clubs?”

“Yes. We just signed up for CVS Rewards. We were on the waitlist for a while though.”

"Does Oakland Hills make you put a barcode on your keychain?  Cuz if not, we're switching from CVS to those guys."

I keep idea notes on my phone for these musings. One of them says ‘Winery Dogs.’ What does that mean? Was I drunk, again? Anyone?

I’ve decided I don’t like tailgating or travelling Up North. I pack and pack and pack then drive and drive then unpack and unpack then drink and drink then pack and pack and pack then drive and drive. There’s a lot of packing, unpacking and driving just for a little drinking. 

Lastly, I got defriended on FB again last Friday for insinuating a statistical rise in something or another. I must have really hit a popular streak, because I am up to 259 friends now. Roll on 260!

L8rz,

LeJon McZenetra

Random Monday Musings

– The ‘Kitty Come Home’ Edition

Kitty continued her ‘Cougz Gone Wild’ tour, last weekend, in the northern part of the Mitten. She and 10 other 5th grade moms took their 5th grade boys for a weekend of juice boxes, Corona Lights, and games of ‘I’ve got the conch.’ 

"It’s 9 p.m. Should we feed them?” was rumored to have been uttered.

Places you can't check into: Applebee’s, the Ohio-Pennsylvania border or anywhere Downriver. 

“Holy sh!t! Jon’s at Applebee’s in Southgate…he’s livin’ the dream, man.”

I’m not a huge fan of hashtags, although you can say so much with one short phrase, and prefer to use the annoying Emoji, including the phallic-looking eggplant 🍆. My favorite Emoji guys are the man couple with blue and orange shirts and Lego hair 👬. I’m certain that those crazy kids at Apple created this Emoji thing to be inclusive, and I’m also certain that in 99.9% of cases, it is used for 6th grade jokes among grown men. The dancing ballerinas must be a close second 👯.

While Kitty was hanging with the other soccer moms, 12 year old and I hung out in Beer City, Michigan for his soccer tourney. Things I learned this weekend:

1. Soccer moms love to drink 

2. Free breakfast is free for a reason 

3. If your 12, it’s all about the hotel pool 

Sometimes I scroll through the old pictures on my phone. I found this gem.

I have no idea why I have it, perhaps the world was just too loud that day. 

I think it's time to start tipping the car wash towel-dry guy $2. I’m kinda on that cusp when I tuck my $1 out the window. Does he think I’m cheap? Shouldn’t I really give more? Do ex-cons even care? How much meth can he actually buy with this? 

What’s that disorder called when your tongue keeps flopping out of your face like the old Tom and Jerry cartoon? I think Miley Cyrus has it. If she can just tuck it back into her skull, I would really enjoy watching this train wreck even more. 

Stay tuned to Kinky Pickles for more of the standards and in the very near future…drum roll…clench your buttcheeks…the world premiere of…Kitty’s Korner

L8rz,

JMcCan’tStop

Random Monday Musings – The Kinky Pickles Inaugural Edition

Random Monday Musings – The Kinky Pickles Inaugural Edition 

I’ve become kind of famous for these musings. When I say famous, that means with 251 Facebook friends and 15 Twitter followers. 

Those goofy kid names from the 90’s are now entering the work force. Welcome Ethan, Connor and Zachary to the world of gainful employment. Gone are the Johns, Mikes, Erics and Carls. 

I used to work for this guy named Carl. He was kind of a weenie…probably because his name was Carl.

Kitty spent the weekend gallivanting around the greater Cleveland area. I filled the role of ‘Kid Taxi-driver’ for the weekend and nursed my frustrations by killing two growlers of leftover Nicie Spicie. I now have n=4 data points confirming the digestive trauma side effects are legit. I know I need n=22 to develop statistical significance, but my personal plumbing system won’t be able to take it.

I watched Clueless with the 9 and 12 year old on Saturday evening. We spent our Sunday discussing the finer aspects of Alicia Silverstone’s pouty lips. 12 year old was pretty bummed out when I told him that movie was pretty old and she is now 36. “She’s like…a MOM now!”

Managed to survive the weekend without going anywhere near the Woodward Dream Cruise. Made me kinda sad, and nostalgic for years gone by, so I set my lawn chair up in my front yard and watched the cars roll down my street. I saw a 2012 Ford Fusion that looked like it had just been washed. Totally cherry.

Lastly, Kitty brought me back a case of Yuengling Lager from the state that shall not be named. I wonder if I love this stuff only because it’s not made available to us here in the Mitten. It’s kinda like the 2013 version of 1978 Coors that came in little tan cans and was only available in States where my dad didn’t live. “This stuff’s made with real Artisian spring-fed water!” I always assumed it must have tasted like liquid gold. If I only knew that my 41 year-old self would be so disappointed. I imagine my boys reminiscing, years from now, about how they’re dads would go “batshit crazy” over a case of smuggled Yuengling.

Stay tuned to Kinky Pickles, this week, as we find out: ‘Where is Bon Jovi this week?’ … What’s hot at ‘The Gas Station Near Me’ and who needs to seriously see an editor about their ‘Overly Wordy Motivational Poster.’ 

L8rz,

JMcFizzle