The Overly Wordy Motivational Poster

I'm not really sure what’s worse:  motivational posters or the people that share/like/link/tweet/retweet them.  I’m not sure if they really even read these through.  I’m certain they don’t challenge them.  There’s no, “Waaaaiiiit a minute…” light that goes on in their heads.

If it’s over 6 words, I stop reading and go get a salty, fried snack.  You really don’t have to motivate me much to grab a sleeve of Pringles.  This one kind of hurt my feelings though, mainly because I like food and don’t want to feel like a junkie:

First, food is not a drug and it’s not used to treat anxiety.  If it was, we’d see lots of fat, poor people because they don’t have enough money to pay the bills.  We’d see them at places that have cheap food, like Wal Martz or Burger Kingz.  We’d see them wearing shirts with Tweety Bird on them and driving cars with Monster Energy Drink stickers.  Food can’t be a drug.

I didn’t just want to take my own word for it, so I contacted my dietician friend.  That means she is an expert on diets.  For the sake of anonymity, I’ll refer to her as Nurse Betty. 

Is food really a drug? Betty said the following:

Nurse Betty’s blue iMessage reply pretty much confirms that:

1.     Food is a drug

2.     Pringles Sour Cream and Onion may be at the top of that list

3.     Betty has an iPhone and my 4G signal sucks at my house

Perhaps it’s not the MOST abused anxiety drug, though, as the motivational poster proclaimed.  I gotta think that crack cocaine or heroin would ease anxiety better than a sleeve of chips.  Somewhere, there’s a homeless guy out there in -5°F weather sleeping in a box, probably quite anxious about his toes turning black.  I can’t imagine he’s thinking, “Holy @#$%, I need some Pringles to calm me down!”

So I’ll conclude that heroin and crack are better suited to treat anxiety.  Part 1…done.  On to part 2, the overly syllabic I-can’t-even-say-it-right part.

Underutilized antidepressant.  Un-derrr-you-TIL-eye-zuhd ANT-eeee-duh-press-uhnt.  This was difficult to say sober, so before I wrote this, and after I texted Nurse Betty, I drank 6 Lime-a-Ritas and said it repeatedly.  That “er-U-til” part is really tricky when you’re wasted.  For a visual effect of how I felt, lie down on your back, have someone spread 6 emtpy cans around you, close one eye, stare at the ceiling with the other, grab your bottom lip and then say “UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD.”

UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD… UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD… UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD… UNDERRRRUTILIZUHD

“Dad, what are you doing?”

“Resthearch.”

“Oh.  Can I get this app?  It only costs $4.99.”

L8rz

J McPringles