Hey, Fat @#$%, Day 3

What happened to day 2?

See, daily chronicles are a bad idea for those who are forgetful.

On another note, you should never post workout videos from your basement if you still have to fold your laundry.

Back to Day 3 of the BONE-K challenge.  I have changed the name back to its original name.  Not NBEOK (No Booze Eat OK), but to the the original Jonadan.  It's named after a celebration of me, but kind of like a depravation of me, which is most likely a good thing.  It's like Ramadan for people who drink too much beer and eat too many potato chips.

I actually didn't write about Day 2 because Kitty and I seriously considered just leaving the kids and  going out for beer and pizza.  Then we looked at how tight our clothes were fitting and ate a salad instead.  We may have split a Diet Pepsi, I can't recall.

Day 3 began as usual with a cup of coffee.  I really hope the surgeon general doesn't ever come out and take all the fun out of coffee like he did with cigarettes.  Sometimes, if you imagine your coffee is a big plate of bacon and eggs, it will still taste like coffee and not complteely fill you.

I have no idea what I ate on Day 3.  It was probably some apples, twigs, leaves and berries.  I am in a perpetual state of hunger.  I have made no progress and am wearing my dad khakis to work today.  I can feel my back fat holding on for its life as I starve it out of existence.

Stay tuned for Day 4 as I will put on my mandex cycling shorts and get on my bike and trainer.  This may be when I am at my most desireable with my white, dry-skinned legs and my mannel toe.

Stay hungry...literally
J McJonadan

Hey, Fat @#$%, Where Have You Been?

Eating and drinking beer, that's where.

We have this annual biometric screening at work that is mandatorally voluntary.  It's like a regular test:  100 is like Jillian Michaels (without the male genitalia) and 0 is equivalent to an un-reanimated corpse from the Walking Dead.  If you score above a 70 (a C minus), you get like $50 or something.

Historically, I have been regressing and regressing on this pop quiz that we know occurs every October.  Additionally, none of my old cute clothes fit me so well.  I've had to buy some Dad-pants that do that weird creasing thing in the crotch. 

I've also generated some back fat that pushes my jeans below my buttcrack when I do work around the house.  I don't mind showing Kitty the continental divide, but I am not a fan of cold air near my undercarriage.

So...

Kitty convinced me to do a 30 day 'No Booze Eat OK' Challenge.  NBEOK would be the acronym, but who can remember that.  It has been renamed the BONE-K challenge, because I am in charge.

January 2nd was the first day.  I do believe it was the first day I've had without booze in 2015.  Pretty proud of myself.


DAY 1

My day consisted of food that didn't taste good or fill me up, 3 Diet Cokes, and a late night snack of steamed brocolli with Frank's  Red Hot.  You can make anything better with Frank's, and they know it.

I am still hungry.  I now fill myself up on big breaths of air.  I look in the liquor cabinet and imagine myself swimming in a bottle of Woodford Reserve.

Happy Saturday

The Underly Wordy Motivational Poster

Who wrote this?   This guy...

If Captain Caveman could put on compression socks, I don't think he would, even because he can.

If Yoda was feeling a little chunky, went to his local crossfit box, and then visited a grammar workshop, he might pen this.

I don't think anyone ever said they couldn't.  Why is this crossfit person so disagreeable.

Hey man, you CAN all day long.  You CAN EVEN in those funny socks.  You CAN EVEN WANT, if you want.

Hot for Teacher

Kitty got hot glasses:

I'm digging the new "Hey, who's that hot broad in my kitchen?" look.

Ok, so they're progressive bifocals and without them she has to hold her phone at arms length to read my immature texts.

"Hey Kitty...your new glasses make you look hot."

"Thanks!"

"Like Mrs. Hottie McHotterson."

"That's sweet!"

"And that little bit of purple in the inside of the frames...I dig it.  I think the color purple turns me on!"

"The absence of all color would turn you on."

Truth.  I think of all the education that I missed...but then my homework, was never quite like this. 

Finally - A Good Motivational Poster

I haven't read the words yet.  I'm probably not going to.

Hey Gurlllll

Probably says something about side-boob or something.

Thanks to my friend Furballerz for this. 

Bajilliondollarbracket Redux

I don't know what happened.  I had them going 64-0, and upped it to 128-0 after President Contraception picked 'em.  It makes no sense at all. 

Izzo was all "Dayum, Gurrrl!"

Now he's all "BUT...Obama!"

MSU to Save Ukraine

In an unprecedented move, all 5 ESPN NCAA bracket analysts have picked Michigan State University to win it all.  MSU is coming off a sound thrashing of Big Ten Champions, Michigan, in the Big Ten Championship Game.

 

Kinky Pickles staff contacted Dick Vitale about the unprecedented love for the Aggies of Michigan State College.

 

Isn’t it unusual for you all to pick the same team to win it all?

 

No.

 

Why?

 

Because, Izzo.

 

But he’s like 5’ 2” and doesn’t play.

 

That’s true, but he’s an angry little elf, and that one fella on their team really likes kids.  Izzo invented cold fusion, the internet and created the cure for polio.

 

Impressive. Does the team’s health play a role into the shameless sycophancy?

 

I don’t know what that means.

 

…The man-love for Izzo and the Aggies.

 

Oh, that.  Well, he has firm hands for a little person. 

 

That’s not what I meant.   Why are you sucking up to them, now?

 

Because that one guy is healthy again.  They’re all healthy, and I had this vision, baby, where they were all standing above the rim, and there was a radiant glow behind them, and Izzo had this really long white beard and was in a white speedo and he was ripped, baby…and Moses was on one side and Elijah was on the other and they were all…it was beautiful, baby.

 

Did that make you want to crown them champions without having them play a game?

 

Oh yeah.  I wanted to join them, but I was in my pajamas.  I asked Izzo if I should get him scissors to cut the nets down.  He flexed his little biceps and kissed one of them, then in his scruffy voice he told me, “No, Dicky.  We have to play the games.”  I thought that was awesome. 

 

So is that why you all picked them to win the tournament?

 

No, we picked them because of Izzo’s firm hands, those two guys who are healthy and that one guy who likes kids.  It was an easy pick.

 

So does this affect your relationship with Duke and Coach K?

 

I’m not sure…he won’t return my texts or snapchats.  I think he defriended me, too.

 

Thanks for your time, Dick.

 

No problem, baby.  Hey, tell Coach K I miss him, OK?

 

Sure.

UPDATE:  Malaysia Air Flight 370 rumored to be found in East Lansing.  Experts claim it was drawn there by the pure magnetism of Izzo. (Thanks to tipster Steve).