The Underly Wordy Motivational Poster

Who wrote this?   This guy...

If Captain Caveman could put on compression socks, I don't think he would, even because he can.

If Yoda was feeling a little chunky, went to his local crossfit box, and then visited a grammar workshop, he might pen this.

I don't think anyone ever said they couldn't.  Why is this crossfit person so disagreeable.

Hey man, you CAN all day long.  You CAN EVEN in those funny socks.  You CAN EVEN WANT, if you want.

Hot for Teacher

Kitty got hot glasses:

I'm digging the new "Hey, who's that hot broad in my kitchen?" look.

Ok, so they're progressive bifocals and without them she has to hold her phone at arms length to read my immature texts.

"Hey Kitty...your new glasses make you look hot."

"Thanks!"

"Like Mrs. Hottie McHotterson."

"That's sweet!"

"And that little bit of purple in the inside of the frames...I dig it.  I think the color purple turns me on!"

"The absence of all color would turn you on."

Truth.  I think of all the education that I missed...but then my homework, was never quite like this. 

Finally - A Good Motivational Poster

I haven't read the words yet.  I'm probably not going to.

Hey Gurlllll

Probably says something about side-boob or something.

Thanks to my friend Furballerz for this. 

Bajilliondollarbracket Redux

I don't know what happened.  I had them going 64-0, and upped it to 128-0 after President Contraception picked 'em.  It makes no sense at all. 

Izzo was all "Dayum, Gurrrl!"

Now he's all "BUT...Obama!"

MSU to Save Ukraine

In an unprecedented move, all 5 ESPN NCAA bracket analysts have picked Michigan State University to win it all.  MSU is coming off a sound thrashing of Big Ten Champions, Michigan, in the Big Ten Championship Game.

 

Kinky Pickles staff contacted Dick Vitale about the unprecedented love for the Aggies of Michigan State College.

 

Isn’t it unusual for you all to pick the same team to win it all?

 

No.

 

Why?

 

Because, Izzo.

 

But he’s like 5’ 2” and doesn’t play.

 

That’s true, but he’s an angry little elf, and that one fella on their team really likes kids.  Izzo invented cold fusion, the internet and created the cure for polio.

 

Impressive. Does the team’s health play a role into the shameless sycophancy?

 

I don’t know what that means.

 

…The man-love for Izzo and the Aggies.

 

Oh, that.  Well, he has firm hands for a little person. 

 

That’s not what I meant.   Why are you sucking up to them, now?

 

Because that one guy is healthy again.  They’re all healthy, and I had this vision, baby, where they were all standing above the rim, and there was a radiant glow behind them, and Izzo had this really long white beard and was in a white speedo and he was ripped, baby…and Moses was on one side and Elijah was on the other and they were all…it was beautiful, baby.

 

Did that make you want to crown them champions without having them play a game?

 

Oh yeah.  I wanted to join them, but I was in my pajamas.  I asked Izzo if I should get him scissors to cut the nets down.  He flexed his little biceps and kissed one of them, then in his scruffy voice he told me, “No, Dicky.  We have to play the games.”  I thought that was awesome. 

 

So is that why you all picked them to win the tournament?

 

No, we picked them because of Izzo’s firm hands, those two guys who are healthy and that one guy who likes kids.  It was an easy pick.

 

So does this affect your relationship with Duke and Coach K?

 

I’m not sure…he won’t return my texts or snapchats.  I think he defriended me, too.

 

Thanks for your time, Dick.

 

No problem, baby.  Hey, tell Coach K I miss him, OK?

 

Sure.

UPDATE:  Malaysia Air Flight 370 rumored to be found in East Lansing.  Experts claim it was drawn there by the pure magnetism of Izzo. (Thanks to tipster Steve).

The Wordiest Motivational Poster Eh-vurr

LOLwhut?

Grammar: 5

This guy: 0

 

I stopped reading at 'pizza.'

This poster brought to you by 'Psycho ex-girlfriend!'

Where did you stop reading?  Leave a note in the comments section. 

A Logical Storm Name

Winter Storm You gotta be fucking kidding me Vulcan approaches.  I don’t mind the concept of naming storms.  It's like creating a song to help you learn the 50 states.  It helps the dumb ones keep up.  We're now at V, since we've been through the alphabet almost 3 times with winter storms.  I think the last winter storm beginning with V was Van Damme, and the one before that was Ving Rhames (because forecasters knew we would get pounded like Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction, and they'd already used the name Gimp earlier this season).

So after getting roundhoused by Van Damme and pumped liked Ving, the logical follow-up is, of course...Hurricane Winter Storm Death-bringer Vulcan



We're pretty fucking far from OK

But Vulcans can't really bring the pain that this storm promises to deliver.  They can't inflict agony like Jean CVD did as Frank Dux in Bloodsport.  They can't make you feel like we did when Winter-ass-kicker Ving made us want to take a 48-hour "what the hell just happened to me" shower.

But there are a couple or three Vulcans that can.  Exhibit A:  Kirstie Alley as Saavik from Wrath of Khan:

"Man, I used to be so skinny!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This picture was taken just years before Alley ate the cast of Cheers and started wearing nightgowns everywhere, so you know she was angry.  She may not be Van Damme angry, but I bet she would kick some serious ass as a snowstorm.

Or Kim Cattrall (who the hell spells their name like that?):

"I will make you hate bangs forever! #snowbangs"

Cattrall (crappy speller) played Valeris and then went on to play a total mattress-back on HBO.  We can surmise she had some serious unreleased energy as a Vulcan and would have been a bitchy Hurricane-Winter-Killer.  And...she actually turned out to be a real pendeja as Valeris.  I blame the 6-year-old private schoolgirl bangs.

Just maybe this storm will drop white pain on us and frighten me like a Mexican Tire Shop: 

Home of Dora-Spock!

Think of how bad-ass Tormenta de Snow Vulcanizadora sounds.  "Say challo to my leetle snowfleek, PUTA!"

Until recently, I always thought I could walk into one of these places and get pointy ears.  “One for vulcanizing, please.”  Although, I think I would stand a better chance of having my legs sawn off below the knees…or my tires pumped up 

El pumpo, por favor

 

This winter defies logic.  Be safe, don’t ever cut bangs in your hair, and live long and shovel.