A Logical Storm Name

Winter Storm You gotta be fucking kidding me Vulcan approaches.  I don’t mind the concept of naming storms.  It's like creating a song to help you learn the 50 states.  It helps the dumb ones keep up.  We're now at V, since we've been through the alphabet almost 3 times with winter storms.  I think the last winter storm beginning with V was Van Damme, and the one before that was Ving Rhames (because forecasters knew we would get pounded like Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction, and they'd already used the name Gimp earlier this season).

So after getting roundhoused by Van Damme and pumped liked Ving, the logical follow-up is, of course...Hurricane Winter Storm Death-bringer Vulcan



We're pretty fucking far from OK

But Vulcans can't really bring the pain that this storm promises to deliver.  They can't inflict agony like Jean CVD did as Frank Dux in Bloodsport.  They can't make you feel like we did when Winter-ass-kicker Ving made us want to take a 48-hour "what the hell just happened to me" shower.

But there are a couple or three Vulcans that can.  Exhibit A:  Kirstie Alley as Saavik from Wrath of Khan:

"Man, I used to be so skinny!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This picture was taken just years before Alley ate the cast of Cheers and started wearing nightgowns everywhere, so you know she was angry.  She may not be Van Damme angry, but I bet she would kick some serious ass as a snowstorm.

Or Kim Cattrall (who the hell spells their name like that?):

"I will make you hate bangs forever! #snowbangs"

Cattrall (crappy speller) played Valeris and then went on to play a total mattress-back on HBO.  We can surmise she had some serious unreleased energy as a Vulcan and would have been a bitchy Hurricane-Winter-Killer.  And...she actually turned out to be a real pendeja as Valeris.  I blame the 6-year-old private schoolgirl bangs.

Just maybe this storm will drop white pain on us and frighten me like a Mexican Tire Shop: 

Home of Dora-Spock!

Think of how bad-ass Tormenta de Snow Vulcanizadora sounds.  "Say challo to my leetle snowfleek, PUTA!"

Until recently, I always thought I could walk into one of these places and get pointy ears.  “One for vulcanizing, please.”  Although, I think I would stand a better chance of having my legs sawn off below the knees…or my tires pumped up 

El pumpo, por favor

 

This winter defies logic.  Be safe, don’t ever cut bangs in your hair, and live long and shovel.